Pork pies are off, Sir

Frit notes that the lily-livered socialist individuals who run Britain have banned all pork products from the upcoming G20 banquet in deference to the idiotic archaic traditions of the adherents of a certain irritating religion that is really beginning to get on everybody’s nerves (Indonesia, Saudi Arabia and Turkey are the three that are foisting their culture on all the rest). Not sure if this applies to live pigs and thus to Home Secretary and common thief Jacqui Smith, whose visual similarity to a live pig is almost universally accepted. Meanwhile, her husband has humiliatingly apologised for having watched some disturbing films at the taxpayer’s expense without going blind. Apparently, the aforementioned live pig he married was not at home when all this took sordid place. He did not specifically state whether any other pig standing in for her or any other animals involved were organically raised.

Jobs, justice and climate

Around 35,000 no-hopers with nothing to do marched through London this weekend “for jobs, justice and climate”. The counter demo would presumably be “for unemployment, injustice and no climate”. They all trooped along dripping with the milk of their own kindness and hoping to get laid, the usual bevy of minor celebrity “activists” on hand to issue encouraging simplistic gems like “politics should be about people not about profit”. Such a cute line. Spoken by an actor, of course. The actor in question once played the Baldrick character in Blackadder, the British television comody series. He has never made a penny of profit in his life, not even from making a television programme showing his own mother’s death.

Blackadder once tried to teach Baldrick mathematics (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=328Q79GoR7g), asking “I have two beans and then I add two more beans. What does that make?”

“A very small casserole”, replied Baldrick. This, of course, was funny. At the time, we didn’t realise he couldn’t make things out any better in real life.

The picture shows the political activist in question showing off a red dress brimful of the profits that accrue from making politics about people instead of profits. Although profits less than half your age but more than twice your size perhaps don’t count.

Nothing new under the sun

Frit is a founder member of the organisation known as WOW (War on Warmers). On behalf of this organisation, Frit has now completed a study that conclusively proves what many have suspected for quite some time: the climate of the planet is controlled by the sun. The study involved sitting outdoors for an hour on a warm day and looking upwards.

Meanwhile, a new study entitled “Falsification of the Atmospheric CO2 Greenhouse Effects Within the Frame of Physics” has been published in the International Journal of Modern Physics by German physicists Gerlich and Tscheuschner. Neither this study nor the work of the recent Conference on Climate Change in New York, nor the work of WOW, are being afforded much attention by the mainstream media that feeds all too well from the warming trough to ever pull out its snout.

Jetsun Jamphel Ngawang Lobsang Yeshe Tenzin Gyatso (born Lhamo Döndrub) keep out

South Africa, apple of the eye state to that whole generation of anti-apartheid activists who now rule the world, is refusing to let into its territory the Downright Lama, the current pet symbol of apartheid and oppression. And for money! Chinese money! How will they cope?

The Downright Lama himself is unconcerned, it being a simple matter for him to do a wibbly-wobbly fadeout on one side of the border to re-emerge as another being on the other. It’s how he got where he is today, after all. The picture shows the Downright Lama and a well-known South African mouth on legs practicing levitation together in happier times.

Brown and not so brown

Unelected Prime Minister of Britain, Boredom Brown, and unfairly media-elected President of the United States, generally known as The Multimillionaire White African King, appear to be wrangling over which of them is to lead the world out of recession and depression and save us all from the inevitably resulting Third World War.

Both are claiming this role and Frit is concerned that they might injure each other at fisticuffs, fighting for the privilege. Frit is unsure which to support. Brown has the less cocksure and reckless comedy routines of the two, having not yet appeared on TV to disparage the disabled nor to laugh and sneer at the entire financial collapse and auto industry and banking crises. He also has fewer eyes than his opponent. But the President has youth on his side and is probably too thin for Brown to land a decent punch on. He also has race on his side. And Allah. We’ll just have to wait and see which one of them kayos the other and saves our bacon first.

Cherry Blair syndrome infects White House

Green food bore and slavery witterer Michelle Hussein Obama, who, like Cherry Blair, appears to have trouble remembering that she is just somebody’s wife, did a good photo op digging up the White House lawn the other day whilst wearing an extremely inappropriate townie frock. She intends growing vegetables (not personally of course – vegetables are grown in dirt and imply actual work, she’s getting a slave to do it). The idea is to keep herself, her anorexic husband and her children (who are never made use of for publicity purposes) in fresh greens. Does everyone already just loath this horrifyingly daft individual, want to put her on a slave ship along with Cherry Blair and feed them both exclusively on fries, cola and remember you’re just somebody’s wife pills?

Canada declares war on ticks

Today, Frit thanks the Canadian nation for standing up for the welfare of its wildlife and declaring a downer on bloodsucking parasites by refusing entry to Palestinian passport holder and renowned tick George Galloway. Well done! A glimpse at the poor moose above, suffering hair loss associated with tick infestation explains why.

In gratitude, Frit and Mrs Frit have agreed to double their intake of maple syrup and to revise their attitude to millions of square miles of bear-infested frozen wasteland.

Haha, Mr Methodist, funny or what

To laughter from the audience, a speaker at a meeting of lunatic Methodist supremacists held in Istanbul (dubbed the Global Anti-Aggression Campaign!!!) said that twice as many babies were born as children were killed during the recent war in Gaza.

When is the world going to wake up to the fact that breeding rates amongst Methodists are the true challenge of the age? If there is this much trouble in Gaza with only two million people, how on earth are we going to cope when there are ten million? The threat is not from insane ideologies in themselves, but from the sheer numbers of people who share them and try to implement them.

The graph shows the Age and Sex Composition of the Palestinian Population in Gaza Strip and the West Bank (including East Jerusalem), 2005.

Meagre earnings from pirates

As predicted by anyone with any sense, there has been no decrease in piracy attempts around the horn of Africa despite the presence of many fearsome warships that are hugely expensive to maintain. Nor is there likely to be any decrease as long as the pirates (romantic word for armed robbers) know that these fearsome warships are only ever going to arrest them and never sink them.

Meanwhile, the legal system in Germany has already made some good money, but not all that much, from issuing arrest warrants for nine pirates captured by a German warship and then from changing its mind, declaring that the nine will not be taken to Germany for trial after all. The odd reason given for this decision is that “no German interests were considered endangered in the attack” on the German owned cargo ship concerned! One suspects that such a decision to refrain from sticking their snouts into the potentially extremely lucrative pirate prosecuting trough would break the heart of everyone involved in the entire western legal profession. So why would they make it? Smells like a political decision made by politicians and dressed up to look like a legal decision.

Black bust, white bust

With all this new openness abounding everywhere in the new era, why is it so difficult to establish if the Multimillionaire White African King replaced the bust of Churchill in the Oval Office with the bust of Lincoln or with the bust of Martin Luther King? Pictures show a bust of Martin Luther King, so who said Lincoln, and why? Is this a question of a lack of transparency or a question of a misunderstanding or a question of deception and a bare faced lie? Or does it reflect the fact that the man himself is pretty uncertain about his colour? The motives for throwing out the bust of Churchill are also shrouded in mist. We all thought it was to do with his wife’s inability to understand history properly / her slavery problem but it could equally well be because Churchill once said of a certain religion:

“No stronger retrograde force exists in the world. Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith. And were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science, the civilisation of modern Europe might fall.”

Strange sex education or else

Frit learns that, in Britain, school officials have apparently announced they will prosecute the parents of approximately 30 children who did not attend a week's worth of lessons coinciding with “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender History Month”. Is the most disturbing thing about this the fact that the parents concerned acted not out of common sense and in a spirit of revolt against samesexer liberal tyranny, but out of straightforward old-fashioned religious bigotry in one form or another, including, mostly, Methodism?

Exceptional Methodist able to carry on good work, relief all round

Frit notes that Lord Fatmed of Rotherham, Methodist peer, has already been released from jail by appeal court judges after serving just 16 days for a texting whilst driving murder. The judges deemed Lord Fatmed’s case “exceptional”! But there is “not one law for the rich and powerful and one law for the rest”, explained appeal court judge Lady Justice Hallett. She made no mention of any laws that might apply to the rest but not to Methodists. She then amazingly went on to warn motorists they face jail for texting while driving, unless they are just texting “Allahu Akbar” which is considered too short a message to cause an accident or do any sort of harm in the world at all.

Apparently, the few days he spent in jail will now be stricken from the record. There will no longer be any evidence of it, so he can carry on with his “international humanitarian work” which his lawyers argued would be in serious jeopardy if a prison record remained on file. So that’s okay then.

The picture shows the texting murderer in question, right, leaving the prison by the back door, disguised as a harpy, in the company of his solicitor. He obviously lost some weight over the past sixteen days but is planning to put it back on again as soon as he can get his mincers into some flavoursome halal lard.

Galloway honoured with Palestinian passport

Frit notes that Member of Parliament George Galloway has been presented with a VIP Palestinian passport at a secret meeting held with the boss of HAMAS (Hate and Murder and Supremacy). Does this mean the authorities are now entitled to take away his British passport, arrest him as an illegal alien terrorist sympathiser spy and saw off his head under Sharia law?

Loser begs for attention, media complies

Why is it that when a moron seeks attention by butchering half a school, as in Germany yesterday, the media give him all the attention they possible can? They splash pictures of him across all the front pages, alter TV schedules, bring in every shrink they can find for the purpose of earning a bob or two, dig up footage of all past events of the same kind and generally make the whole thing as attractive as they can for the next moron thinking of doing the same. Frit opts for publishing a picture of one of the victims. That’s still publicising the event but doesn’t really matter because nobody reads this blog anyway. Just Mrs Frit.

Crazed animal rights butchers murder huntsman in cold blood

We see that heroic hunt saboteurs have killed a huntsman in Britain whilst going about their important, selfless work. This consisted of pursuing huntsmen in a gyrocopter and flying low over them to make sure they were not up to anything untoward with anything furry (nothing whatever totalitarian and aggressive about this). They then appear to have decapitated one with the rotor blades when he protested.

Best thing one can do with hunt saboteurs and other animal botherers is hunt them down with dogs. In this way they might then get an idea, first hand, of just how much a dog loves to chase a thing down and bite off its head. But too late for them then to just stop spoiling the poor animal’s fun and robbing it of its animal rights.

The new era of openness

We are in the “new era of openness” brought to us, as promised, by the Multimillionaire White African King, a being so transparent that he shares his records with just anybody. Especially his birth certificate. He would never pay a million dollars to lawyers to prevent anyone from seeing it (a photograph of a birth certificate, like the one posted on the Internet, is not a birth certificate). Nor would he ever have anything to do with having all references to the birth certificate and dubious nationality issue deleted from Wikipedia.

So are we enjoying this openness? Or are we confused? Can anyone tell Frit if America is doing a deal with the Russians concerning those missile deployments? Seems unclear. Some sources say one thing, some another. Can anyone say what the American government is saying to the Iranians? Seems unclear. Hard to judge. Too much conflicting information resulting from what almost seems to be a total lack of openness. But that simply can’t be.

Slave to fashion

It is said that the Multimillionaire White African King treated British Prime Minister Boredom Brown like some unimportant unelected one-eyed representative of an insignificant banana republic during his visit to America last week. Whilst it might be true that Boredom Brown is indeed an unimportant unelected one-eyed representative of a country the labour party has made into an insignificant banana republic in recent years, appearances need to be kept up. The trouble is, it is rumoured, the flashy Multimillionaire Black African Queen associates Britain with the slave trade! So we have proof that her mind is concerned with more than just clothes, it also has room for some appallingly blinkered views of history. Can international politics really have been brought down to such a juvenile level?

Frit for Chancellor

Boredom Brown has appealed to the US Congress to help him save the world! This is the man who claimed to have abolished “boom and bust”. He also once proclaimed that “a weak currency is a reflection of a weak economy and a weak government”. This was before the pound lost almost half its value.

One day, back when Boredom Brown was running (ruining) the British economy rather than the country as a whole, Frit noticed that a house sold for 200,000 pounds five years earlier, was now selling for 500,000 pounds. Frit worked out that, in another 5 years, the same house would be “worth” 1,250,000 pounds. In twenty years time the figure would be 19,531,250 pounds. Absurd. Given that, in terms of structure and materials, houses in this price range in Britain would be better described as hovels not worth tuppence, it seemed fairly obvious that something was very, very wrong with the economy of Britain and something very, very bad was going to happen.

If Frit and Mrs Frit could manage these simple sums, why couldn’t Chancellor Brown?

Loony lupus lovers

Are we all fed up to the back teeth of the man on the TV telling us that wolves are “harmless” and we should be just tickled pink that they are now returning to live in the wild in the woods of Europe? We are told that the “mythical” wolf should be forgotten. We should now welcome the noble new age wolf based on “scientific knowledge” and “rational understanding”. Wolves are good to have around because “they are part of our natural heritage”.

Is this the same “natural heritage” that includes the 3,069 people devoured by wolves in France between 1580-1830? Does it include the 266 adults and 111 children devoured in the European sector of the Russian Empire between 1849 and 1851? The 721 devoured in Bihar State, India, in 1875? The 60 children in Bihar between 1993 and 1995? The 74 people, mostly pubescent children, in Uttar Pradesh in 1996-1997? Does it include the woman devoured near Tbilisi, Georgia, last month? Frit reads that some specialised man-eaters have been known to kill children by knocking them over from behind and biting the back of their heads and necks.

Message to the man on the TV: please go to Uttar Pradesh and play in the woods. Why do you think early Europeans built huts on stilts in lakes? Were they fond of damp? Wolves have been a torment to the human race since time began. They eat us and they eat the things we eat. This made them a major selection pressure on humans throughout evolution. They have played a big role in making us what we are. For thousands of years they had the upper hand but then we developed weapons and systematically exterminated them in Europe. It was not done for fun, or by mistake. Good riddance! And all this goes twice for their friends the bears.

Brown meets white

Would-be multimillionaire Boredom Brown is meeting the Multimillionaire White African King today. Brown is greasing the wheels by giving the African King’s friend Ted Kennedy a knighthood. Ted Kennedy once went to a party with three other married men and five young women. He got very drunk and drove his car off a bridge and into eight feet of water on the way home. He managed to get out of the car leaving his woman passenger behind. Instead of calling the police, he returned to the party and brought two other men to the scene of the accident. When they were unable to rescue the girl, he told the others he would call the police. He did not. Instead, he returned to his motel, began making telephone calls to associates and went to sleep. Next day, he told a pack of lies to the police.

A grand jury investigated, but the results were already decided. Senator Kennedy didn’t want the girl’s body exhumed for an autopsy. Fortunately for him, neither did the judge responsible for making the decision. Described as a “party-line Democrat of limited judicial gifts”, the judge maintained a bust of President Kennedy on display in his chambers.

None of this, of course, is of any interest. The man has done a lot of good work ever since, such as facilitating the work of the IRA in Northern Ireland for years on end. Arise Sir Ted!

Sponger in the money

Frit thanks the Telegraph for putting some figures on ex Guantanamo inmate Binyam Mohamed. He has been given temporary admission to Britain which allows him to claim his accommodation costs and £35 a week in vouchers. He will undoubtedly be claiming untold sums in legal aid, his lawyers already having said they may sue the British government for compensation over claims that MI5 colluded in his alleged and very lucrative torture. He first claimed asylum at the age of 16. His application was initially turned down in 1994 but accepted in 2000 (I make that a six year legal process) and he was given temporary leave to remain until 2004, by which time he was in Guantanamo Bay. If his refugee status is restored he could claim £60.50 Income Support or, more likely, receive Disability Living Allowance of up to £113.75 a week if he is deemed unfit to work (instead of unfit to live). He would also receive Local Housing Allowance of up to £240 a week if he returned to North Kensington where he was living before he left for Afghanistan, plus council tax relief of around £1055.27 a year. And he is only young. The sums he is set to make and the sums others are set to make from him over the next forty or fifty years will be truly huge.

Figures are always good. Those who rule us hate figures. They prefer to deal in lofty ethical concepts such as “human rights” whilst the figures simply accumulate in the bank accounts unseen and unremarked.

Stimulus package

Hey mister president
You gone crazy
Robbed the hardworking
And gave it to the lazy