“The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other, milk.”

David Flunkit, onetime British Education Secretary, Home Secretary as well as Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, has had the misfortune to be attacked by an irate cow whilst out walking. Flunkit, who was twice forced to resign office, once for inappropriate fiddling and once for inappropriate diddling, claims to have fewer eyes than even his fellow labour party buddy Boredom Brown. However, there are those who dispute his total blindness and suspect he makes the claim merely to pocket the associated state benefits. If he is truly sightless, they say, how come he so successfully manages to accurately pinpoint the whereabouts of so much buckshee cash and cunt. Flunkit suffered a broken rib in the attack. It is widely believed that Flunkit, removed from the realities of nature like so many of his particular political persuasion, is too stupid to know that wise people should never go near cows and their young calves accompanied by their dog, even if it happens to be a guide dog. Cattle can be pretty politically incorrect on that score.

But there is also a different version of this story. Frit is told by reliable sources that the cow merely mistook Flunkit for a wittering old woman it wanted to jump over, as the photograph of the event appears to confirm.