Brown bigot

Unelected Prime Minister of the UK Boredom Brown has disgraced himself and revealed himself unto the ultimate by smarming a harmless British pensioner for the cameras, launching a vicious verbal attack on her the moment she was out of sight then groveling at her and the nation’s feet once accidentally outed. The lady in question is very lucky he didn’t beat her up physically, as he does those in his office. In his defense, he appears to be trying to tell everybody that it was all the pensioner’s fault for mentioning the “I” word, which is such an awful word that it makes him shudder and go to pieces, and, in any case, “bigoted” is Scottish for “very nice person, I like you, would you like to share my false eye”. But the electorate is not fooled. In the opinion of serious pundits such as Frit, Brown is now history. He concealed his true vile and self-seeking character from the public for what seems like hundreds of depressing years, but in the end it popped out and brought him down. Nice to see. Nice to see.

Yet another enquiry clears warmers of cooking the books

The “independent” panel convened to examine the research published by the University of East Anglia's Climatic Research Unit, at the centre of the "Climategate" affair, has found there was “no scientific malpractice” involved. Lord Oxburgh, chairman of the panel, is also the current president of the Carbon Capture and Storage Association as well as chairman of wind energy firm Falck Renewables. Of course, having one’s nose very deep in the trough whilst at the same time chairing a panel set up to investigate if the trough really needs continuous filling doesn’t automatically imply any conflict of interest nor any corruption or downright dishonesty, deceit, sleaze, fraud, cheating, immorality, cronyism, gangsterism and gall, but, in Frit’s view, it doesn’t quite imply “independence” either.

Boredom Brown burkas on way in

Just when we all thought the Mussulmanics had achieved ultimate absurdity by generally creating a fundamentally loathsome political ideology dressed up as a religion and based on hatred, greed, envy and testosterone, by running around asking questions like “Is it proper for a man to wipe his socks if he puts the right sock on before washing his left foot?”, and by making women into earthquake-causing bagged-up belongings, a cleric in Saudi Arabia has now called on women to wear a full veil that reveals only one eye instead of the hitherto permitted two!

What can one say? What can the sane say?

Political freak show

The world’s most abhorrent political alliance has just been struck between stunted warmonger Madmood Madjihadimad and Robert Mugabe, Africa’s most hardwearing socialist despot. Madjihadimad says he wants a world free of nuclear weapons except for his own. After all, what’s the point in all those worthless kuffar having nuclear bombs, he (rightly) asks, if they have no plans to detonate any? The Islamic Republic, on the other hand, has every intention of making proper use of its own bombs the moment they are ready to go. How else can the divine teletubby ensconced at the bottom of that well down south for so many years be brought out to finally put the world to rights? This fits in well with Mugabe’s dream of a world in which he has opportunity to reduce everybody’s life expectancy at birth by significantly more than the 14 years he has so successfully achieved in his own country during his reign up to now.

Destination Mars

The Multimillionaire White Mohammedan Nobel Laureate Joker President says he wants Americans to go to Mars instead of to the moon. It seems this has always been his ambition ever since he watched the film “Mars Attacks”. As a devout Mussulmanic he admires the incoherent monotonous unpleasant claptrap that issues from the mouths of the Martians as well as their uncompromising approach to dealing with other cultures.

Ice burkas prevent earthquakes

"Many women who dress inappropriately cause youths to go astray, taint their chastity and incite extramarital sex in society, which increases earthquakes," a certain addled Ayatollah Kazem Sedighi told worshippers at Friday prayers in Tehran, the home of the really mad. Could this be the reason the Mussulmanics are now intending to build their first Mosque in the Arctic Circle? The quilted multi-layer triple insulated fur mega-burkas they’ll be walking around in up there are sure to stop the earth moving.

Extremism

Hectomillionaire Bill Clinton says that the tea party movement could incite extremism. Strangely enough, some think that making believe you're a black man, amassing huge amounts of personal wealth, power and prestige from pretending to champion the little guy, fiddling with every loose woman in America in the Oval Office, irresponsibly risking and loosing the lives of American military people on a regular basis by trying to appear tough at the same time as trying to appear the good guy, and bombing Serbia in order to set up Mussulmanic states within Europe all might incite extremism too.

Eyjafjallajökull

Unelected Prime Minister of Britain and office bully Boredom Brown has embarrassingly made a speech “setting out his vision” for a “global society”. The global society is a perfect society in which nobody does any work yet all are fabulously rich and healthy and all eternally vote for and worship Boredom Brown for making it all possible. Of course, the “vision” of an individual possessing a mere 50% of the visual organs of the normal person can be expected to lack some proper depth and accuracy. No matter, carried away with his own munificence and lack of decorum he then apparently removed his glass eye, held it aloft before his astonished audience and offered it as a bung to plug that volcano in Iceland that is currently doing so much to inconvenience teachers, many of whom are Labour Party voters, stranded in holiday destinations with Brown wanting to do almost anything to get them back in the country in time to vote.

Wrong targets

Frit has learned that the Mussulmanics are “up in arms” because the British army installed models of mosques on a firing range used to train British soldiers off to fight in Afghastlystan. Needless to say, the models have already been removed and an apology issued. Maybe they’ll now be replaced with models of York Minster and St. Peter’s Rome. If that fails to calm the situation perhaps a few live Christians and Jews could be nailed to the facades on crosses.

All in the name

If Barack really means “blessed”, if Hussein means “descendent of the Prophet” and if Obama is a surname in the Dholuo language spoken by the Luo people of Kenya, based on the verb "bam" meaning "bent", then whenever he has to fill in his surname first we get “Bent Blessed Descendent of the Prophet”. Seems to fit.

The photograph shows grandfather Hussein Onyango Obama. There is some doubt about whether Onyango means “born in the early morning” or “born about mid day”. No matter, the picture seems to confirm he was certainly there well before lunch.

Shoe fetish deemed kosher

A court in the UK has accepted that shoe-throwing is simply a ritual form of protest and therefore not a criminal act of violence. So as long as a Mussulmanic throws a shoe in your face, and not a stone, he commits no offence! At the same time, the British National Health Service has just permitted Mussulmanic women to wear complete burkas on the job, despite previously having decreed that bare arms are a must for staff in hospitals in order to be able to wash up to the elbow, thereby preventing the spread of some really malevolent germs. In the view of Frit, the obvious plan, here, is for Abdullah to throw his hobnailed boot in your face so that you end up in hospital where Amatallah then shakes superbugs into your wounds from her burka sleeves.

Holy showbiz boffin implodes with excess piety

Richard Dawkins, atheist campaigner and evolutionist, is planning to have Pope Benedict XVI arrested when he visits Britain later this year for "crimes against humanity". He appears unaware that the point of not believing in Almighty God is not to claim that role for oneself.

The photograph shows smarmy Dawkins reproachfully peering at a passing believer from behind a fossilized version of one of his own earliest creations.

Climategate Parliamentary Inquiry in the UK – not guilty

Not surprisingly, this inquiry found that we are indeed all frying in a pan of our own making after all: “On the much cited phrases in the leaked e-mails - “trick” and “hiding the decline” - the Committee considers that they were colloquial terms used in private e-mails and the balance of evidence is that they were not part of a systematic attempt to mislead”.

On the subject of “phrases” and “tricks” Frit notes that, in his remarks, Phil Willis MP, Committee Chair, uses the phrases “climate scientists” and “climate science community” to describe one set of people, and “climate change skeptics” to describe another set. This old “trick” has been practiced by the religious since the beginning of time. It’s called laying claim to the positive for the purpose of stigmatizing those who think you’re talking a load of rubbish with its negative. Thus we have believer/unbeliever, religious/irreligious, holy/unholy, Christian/non-Christian, Mussulmanic/non-Mussulmanic infidel pig with severed head and so on, always defining the latter in terms of the former. Frit, in all his imperfection, regularly resorts to this trick himself, referring to his supporters as "wholesome appetising Fritters” and to his detractors as "unwholesome unappetising unpleasant yucky Indonesian twice-fried spicy peanut Fritters” who ought to see sense.

Goon in charge of nuclear arsenal says no more Miss Atomic Bomb

The Multimillionaire White Mohammedan Nobel Laureate Joker President is insisting that no nuclear weapons will be used against the foes of America unless they nuke America first or unless they are North Korea or Iran or unless the mothers truly deserve it, and even then it shall strictly be megaton for megaton. A form has been drawn up and distributed to every enemy. They are to enter the number of intended megatons they aim to strike with and return the form to the American military without delay so that a fair balance can be achieved. Afterwards, if the attackers have more casualties than the US, they are freely entitled to another strike to even things up. What a safer world we are suddenly living in today.

Easter

Frit learns that the Multimillionaire White Mohammedan Nobel Laureate Joker President has forbidden the hiding and seeking of Easter eggs in the White House grounds for fear that somebody might accidentally unearth an incriminating birth certificate and some college records that might be hidden there.

Meanwhile Frit, ever one for enterprise, has made good money in the run-up to Easter by marketing the world’s first Mussulmanic-friendly halal chocolate Easter bunny, a chocolate bunny you can have sex with as long as you then sell it to somebody in the neighboring village instead of eating it yourself. The halal chocolate Easter bunny – entirely in tune with the strange teachings of creepy Ayatollah Khomeini and the rest of the creepy Shia clergy, soon to be in possession of nuclear weapons.

Bees aplenty

The Worst Lady, with bees in both garden and bonnet.

Moqtada al-Sadr given American citizenship

The Times Online reports that, in Iraq, “American Shia cleric Moqtada al-Sadr, is negotiating a merger with Mr al-Maliki’s State of Law, which would create the biggest parliamentary bloc”.

The Multimillionaire White Mohammedan Nobel Laureate Joker President, meanwhile, was in Afghastlystan at the weekend to discuss Jihad, corruption and drug trafficking with Hamid Karzei and to work out ways for both to do more of all three.

Earth Hour

It is with great regret that the mainstream media reports the sad death of a “suspected” Somali pirate, shot by security men defending a vessel from attack. He died bravely, just doing his job to the best of his ability. Sad, sad, sad. Frit would shed a tear at this point but he has to go fix up a lot of lights around the house to watch tomorrow’s Earth Hour by.

UK expels Israeli diplomat - logical, it's an arab country

If it’s true that Israelis “cloned” a passport in order to rid the planet of a monstrous being, Frit condemns them heartily as they could readily have borrowed his. Frit is now setting up the “Passports for Pali-Arab’s Just Deserts” appeal in which his readers are requested to volunteer their passports for a pool to be placed at the disposal of Israeli agents busy doing the necessary job nobody else will do. The owner of each passport used in a successful liquidation gets the free Mossad hooded sweatshirt shown.

Heroic Mussulmanics nail that dangerous Thai

Last week, a heroic Mussulmanic bunch was quick to claim responsibility for murdering a young Thai worker busy watering plants in a greenhouse in Israel. “We did it! We did it! We’re brave and fierce”, they proudly proclaimed, seemingly unaware of the presence in Gaza of the European Union’s terrifying high representative for foreign affairs and security policy, Barrenness Ashton of Upholland, who told reporters she had come to the region to “talk with people and politicians about the need to find a picture of peace and security” (Frit always thought politicians were people too). The rational Israeli response to the murder of this Thai would be to do away with a whole load of blameless Eskimos.

Iran’s Ayatollah Alec Ham n’ Eggy, in the meantime, has flatly told the Multimillionaire White Mohammedan Nobel Laureate Joker President to shove his latest offer to lick that individual’s boots before allowing him to trample all over America in them. This is because Alec Ham n’ Eggy knows that western leaders “have lost faith in their own culture, are in thrall to an ideological aversion to war, have lost the moral capacity to distinguish between right and wrong, victim and aggressor” as Melanie Phillips so rightly puts it.

The picture shows Alec Ham n’ Eggy attempting to convince a short madman that he’s tall and sane.

Free services from the Medicine Man

Frit congratulates the American people on having at long last obtained free health care despite one of life’s most obvious of rules being that if a thing is free it is free because it is crap. Never mind, as long as it’s free. The picture shows American doctors in one of the new hospitals performing alternative surgery, i.e. getting an illness to go away by chanting gibberish at it, for free.

Genocide

Unhappy about certain infidel having the gall to suggest that the Turks murdered a large number of Armenians 100 years ago, Mussulmanic fundamentalist ruler of the Ottoman Empire Recep Tayyip Erdogan, known to himself as Suleiman the Magnificent, His Imperial Majesty Grand Sultan, Commander of the Faithful and Successor of the Prophet of the Lord of the Universe, says he might now tell 100,000 Armenians currently living in that empire as illegal immigrants that it’s time to go back to their own country. “They are not my citizens. I am not obliged to keep them in my country”, says he. In Frit’s view, this would be a splendid opportunity for us, the countries of Christendom, to likewise tell the untold numbers of Ottomans and other assorted Mussulmanics illegally living in our lands (like the auntie of the Multimillionaire White Mohammedan Nobel Laureate Joker President, for instance) that we are not obliged to keep them in our countries either. Especially as, unlike the Armenians in Turkey, they have not come to Christendom to work.

Marriage

As Mrs Frit pointed out to Frit only this morning, on their 38th wedding anniversary, a man should be proud to be married to a woman who always thinks so highly of all his stupid opinions.

NEW ISLAM

Frit is sick of reading things like the “Ruling on initiating the greeting of salaam with Jews and Christians, and how to push them to the narrowest part of the road”, and “May He annihilate this filthy people who have neither religion nor conscience. I condemn whoever believes in normalizing relations with them, whoever supports sitting down with them, and whoever believes that they are human beings. They are not human beings. They are not people. They have no religion, no conscience, and no moral values”.

Therefore, in his efforts to patch things up between nice enlightened western folks and horrible Mussulmanic throwbacks, Frit has decided the best idea is to found NEW ISLAM. New Islam is a new, modernized version of Islam that features no negative intentions towards other religions and has no goal of world domination. Frit invites all right-thinking Mussulmanics of the world to forsake fusty and outdated Old Islam and sign up to NEW ISLAM. Adherents are not required to cut off anyone’s head or clitoris or to be overly friendly with either children or livestock. They need not forgo music and jokes nor treat women like dirt and generally live as if we are still in the 6th century. Join NEW ISLAM today. It is the Islam of the modern age. It respects others and is enjoyable to practice. NEW ISLAM, the pleasanter Islamic option.

Pictured: Mussulmanic women overjoyed at having opportunity to change over to the new invisible burqa of NEW ISLAM – chic, fun to wear and entirely voluntary!

Mussulmen short of water in which to drown their women

Reading that Syria is facing a water crisis, Frit urges the Syrians not to worry too much as it is now very clear that aging Hectomillionairess Hillary Rod’em Clinton, US presidential advisor David al-Aqsarod and the rest of the talented US team clearly believe that water shortage problems in the Middle East can easily be solved by simply finding a suitable river down which to sell Israel.

In Frit’s view, the Israelis must now cease building houses in East Jerusalem so that the world sees this brings no peace. Then the Israelis must abandon Jerusalem altogether so the world sees this brings no progress either. Then they must abandon all their territory except for a square meter of dessert somewhere so the world sees this also yields nothing. Then they must abandon that last square meter and go live on the moon so the world can see the Pale Stinians turning the entire country into rubble amidst which they then busy themselves trying to make rockets that can kill people at that distance whilst calling for the return of “their” moon.

Kissing

In Dubai, a British couple have been sentenced to a month's imprisonment for indecency after a local woman took objection to them kissing on the lips in a restaurant. Sentencing them, the judge said that, under Sharia law, ass is the only thing the infidel is allowed to kiss in Mussulmanic lands.

Color fads

Frit reads that Wal-Mart is in trouble for dropping the price of black Barbies to almost half that of white Barbies due to lack of demand. Frit had a similar experience recently when he shamelessly tried to cash in on the recent earthquakes by selling miniature models of Haitians and Chileans buried under rubble to journalists. The Haitian versions sold like hot cakes but there was very little interest in the Chileans, even at reduced prices.

Allah writes name on fish

Frit has learned that the divorce rate amongst adult male Warmers is so high that, during their lifetimes, male Warmers probably have even more wives than male Mussulmanics. This could obviously be a direct source of conflict between the two groups as the number of women on the planet is finite. By way of trying to avoid this and to bring the two groups closer together, Frit’s people have now succeeded in crossing a Warmer with a Mussulmanic in the laboratory. The result, known as a Wussulmanic, is a truly miserable wretch who eats no meat, drinks nothing but instant coffee and goes around compulsively falsifying data on the number of times he throws his shoes at somebody in the belief that this has something to do with reducing carbon footprints.

Searching Google images for a picture to go with “carbon” and “Allah” turns up this intelligent individual displaying an eggplant with “Allah” miraculously written inside it. Then there is the case of the Oscar fish with “Mohammed” written on one side and “Allah” on the other . . .

International Women's Day passes without incident, phew!

International Women's Day seems to have passed off with bodies like the United Nations saying a lot of things like “International Women's Day is the story of ordinary women as makers of history; it is rooted in the centuries-old struggle of women to participate in society on an equal footing with men,” but saying very little about the women in Mussulmanic countries where no such equal footing exists and none is ever intended and where they are busy, for instance, debating theological concepts such as the raping of women in captivity, saying “It may, superficially, appear distasteful to copulate with a woman who is not a man’s legal wife, but once Shariat makes something lawful, we have to accept it as lawful, whether it appeals to our taste, or not”. They just have to grin and bear it then.

The Multimillionaire White Mohammedan Nobel Laureate Joker President also chipped in to humour all the lefty ladies, saying that women in America still face unfairness and hardship, and he vowed to fight for gender equality, but not in Iran. Making her own contribution to this important day, Harridan Harlot, loony British “Equality Minister”, is threatening to force companies to do more to appoint female directors. As Frit has said in a previous post – go found a company and appoint as many female directors as you like. But that would mean going onto the field and playing in the real game instead of making a good living standing on the sidelines impressing the gullible and the young with dippy ideas. The picture shows Afghaslystani women enjoying the great day in question.

Nice kind people

This weekend, having decided that the snowy conditions were just too dire to go anywhere in their car, Frit and Mrs. Frit left it in the garage and went to the shops on foot for safety’s sake. So neither were best pleased when two colliding vehicles slid onto the sidewalk and Mrs. Frit fell over trying to avoid injury. Frit attempted to point out to one of the drivers concerned that the accident was not the fault of the road nor the fault of the vehicle “for leaving the road”, as he wanted Frit to see it, but the fault of the dolt driving the vehicle, whereupon two passing nice kind people who are so much better and more perfect than Frit intervened to defend the driver, assuring Frit, busy picking up Mrs. Frit and dusting her down, that accidents happen. This incident, plus many years of painstaking observation at the wheel, has convinced Frit that at least 80 percent of human beings are plainly too stupid to be put in charge of motor vehicles. It also convinced Frit that nice kind people who are so much better and more perfect than Frit can be aggressive fucking nuisances in their niceness. They somehow just can’t keep their niceness to themselves.

Wet balrogs

Further to a recent post concerning the destruction of the town of Staufen im Breisgau in Germany at the hands of warming fundamentalists, frit notes that drilling for green heat in Wiesbaden in Germany produced another such disaster recently. When drilling operations reached the level where the balrogs run about, it was water, not heat, which came upwards. And in quantity. Then there is the house at http://www.welt.de/vermischtes/article4094936/Kamen.html

Damp rag

Stiltskin Van Rumpel, appointed King of Europe precisely because nobody in Europe has ever heard of him and never will, appears to be bothering those who appointed him by trying to actually behave like the King of Europe. Meanwhile, the British member of the European Parliament who told Van Rumpel he has “all the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk” has been fined 2,700 pounds by that parliament. This is presumably because an unelected individual who is paid 353,950.00 Euros of taxpayer money per year is entitled not to be called names. Or is it because the correct version is “the charisma of a low-grade bank clerk and the appearance of a damp rag”.

Fatwa

A leading British Mussulmanic “scholar” has issued a 600-page fatwa condemning terrorists as the enemies of Mussulmanicism. In reply, Frit has issued his own fatwa against Mussulmanic “scholars” who make a good living trying to have us believe the Devil is not as black as painted.

Why is the word FATWA mostly made up of WTF without a question mark?

Brown frowns on hari-kari

Unelected Prime Minister of Britain Boredom Brown, who has done more than any former Prime Minister to make Britain into the poverty-stricken Islamic shithole it is today, recently spoke out against legalizing assisted suicide for no other reason than he knows so many in that country would very much like to assist in his.

Barrenness

Muammar Abu Minyar al-Daftgafi of Labia, son of Mohammed Abdul Salam bin Hamed bin Mohammed Al-Daftgafi, likes to go by the unassuming socialist low ranking title of “Colonel” as long as this doesn’t stop him from being a billionaire and being officially known in his country as “Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Labian Arab Jamahiriya“. Daftgafi is now openly calling for all Mussulmanics to obliterate Switzerland in jihad retaliation for the Swiss having arrested his son for beating up his staff, just like Boredom Brown does. Rushing to its neighbor’s defense, the EU, in the form of a spokesman for Barrenness Ashton, the EU's foreign policy representative, savaged Daftgafi with the fierce words “If these reports are correct, they come at an unfortunate moment”.

Barrenness Ashton, a ventriloquist in her spare time, is pictured here on stage waving the hand of her dummy, known as Stiltskin Van Rumpel.

Hill and Bill

Frit famously dislikes aging Hectomillionairess Hillary Rod ’em Clinton even more than Hectomillionaire Bill Clinton dislikes her. For this reason Frit was very instrumental in making sure she failed to win the leadership of the Democratic Party and become President. So why is he now beginning to wish she had won?

Meanwhile, the health of Hectomillionaire Bill, who has just been in hospital for something which we’ll probably never know the honest details of (AIDS say some), is a source of concern to Frit. Frit, hopes Bill survives a bit longer because, if he passes over to where the shiny, slimy and slick cavort amongst the wispy clouds of conman heaven, Frit will undoubtedly also pass over out of nausea at the song and dance certain to ensue on TV.

Bullygate

Despite much deeply unattractive squirming, unelected Prime Minister of Britain and nasty piece of work Boredom Brown just can’t shake off the assertion that he is a vicious bully with a rotten temper. Those around him are all covering their bruises with powder to appear on TV and tell us what a nice man he is. In a latest development, all those Mussulmanic lawyers acting for former Guantanamo inmates and convicted terrorists, bleeding the British taxpayer dry with legal bills over torture allegations, have all now signed a paper saying their clients were told to provide information or face being left alone in a room in 10 Downing Street for five minutes with spiteful Boredom Brown.

Obamalama

The Multimillionaire White Mohammedan Nobel Laureate Joker President just had to meet up with mega victimization icon the Downright Lama. Why not? Both their names end in the same three letters so they must be distant relatives, both have a Nobel Peace Prize, both represent eastern religions, both go by false names, one is pretty much barefooted, the other pretty much barefaced, and both can levitate. But why did the visitor have to leave by a side door where garbage is stacked, some are asking. Frit, on the other hand is asking how come garbage is stacked around the White House anywhere at all? Garbage inside, garbage outside, we can only suppose. If you come from that sort of milieu, you just don’t notice.

Brown bully

Unelected Prime Minister of Britain, Boredom Brown, has been obliged to appear on TV to deny reports that he physically abuses his staffers. It appears he specially trained the muscles around his glass eye to contract and expel it from its socket with near deadly force at any underling impertinent enough to annoy him. This seems to surprise many, though Frit thought him a nasty piece of unelected socialist work all along. Frit caught the savage brute in question on camera replacing the eye after having viciously fired it at the elderly tea lady for forgetting the sugar.

Cultural imperialism

Frit, in all his supreme ignorance, could never understand why the entire world’s enlightened socialist trash is always on the side of the Mussulmanics and always rabidly anti Israel. At last it has been explained to him:

“Since some countries of the third world do not subscribe to western cultural norms of respect for human life, we in the west cannot judge such countries’ behavior by those norms. To do so would be an act of cultural imperialism. But since Israel does subscribe to those norms, it is accordingly judged by them; indeed, since the Jews claim superior standards to the rest of humanity, they need to be judged by higher standards than those applied to the rest of the human race.”

Hating by candlelight

Frit reads that the European Union is paying 15 million dollars a month to the Pale Stinians of Gaza to buy fuel for their power station. Given that there are 1.5 million Pale Stinians in Gaza, if Frit does his sums properly this means 10 dollars per month per person. Given that Abdul and Fatima normally have at least 8 children, this would make 10 persons per household netting 10 times 10 equals 100 dollars for electricity each month, or a staggering 1,200 dollars worth of electricity per year. They should switch off their standby buttons.

Now, it seams, this money, provided by the European taxpayers, is no longer being handed out to the particular bunch of corrupt criminals it was being handed out to, but instead to a different bunch of corrupt criminals, i.e. the Pale Stinian Authority, which is like throwing it into a hole in the ground, a hole so deep that they might have to shut down their power plant for lack of fuel. Unfortunate. Without electric light how can they possibly see to bite the hand that feeds them or spot Israelis making off with the livers of their children at night?

World’s worst warmer comes clean

The former head of the controversial unit at the centre of the "climategate" storm, Professor Phil “fiddle them data” Jones, pictured, has now admitted that there has been no global warming for the past fifteen years. Despite this, the new head of the unit, Prof. Peter Liss (not to be mispronounced liter-of-piss), is saying things like "If you're on the climate skeptics side, you have to have really good evidence for your case because if you're wrong then the consequences for all of us and all our children and whoever comes after is hugely influenced”. Good to see he’s approaching the job with an open mind.

Ayatollah caught telling untruths

Ayatollah (backwards = hallo ta ya) Khomeini, the weird and miserable religious zealot who set up the Great Craziness Of Iran so that all his compatriots could be as weird and miserable as he, said “There are no jokes in Islam. There is no humor in Islam. There is no fun in Islam“. So how come the Fiqh Council of North America — a body of Islamic scholars — issued a fatwa this week that says going through airport scanners violates Islamic rules on modesty and is therefore unacceptable! Surely that’s the best joke we’ve heard for years!

And here’s another good one: “Israel is going too far by increasingly assassinating terrorists across the Middle East, a senior Palestinian official in Ramallah told London-based newspaper The Times”. Going too far! Hilarious! Mussulmanics are such wags! Such wags! The two pictured certainly find such jokes funny.

Huitzilopochtli

Britain’s first Sikh judge, now retired, insists that Sikh boys ought to be permitted to take their daggers to school with them because it’s part of their religion. Elsewhere a judge has ruled that a Hindu is permitted to have himself cremated on an open-air funeral pyre, despite it always having been against the law, because it’s part of his religion. Frit, who recently converted to worshiping Mesoamerican god Huitzilopochtli is now asking a judge for the right to cut the hearts out of living human children as offerings to Huitzilopochtli and to chop up the rest of their bodies into choice joints to share with relatives for Sunday dinner because it’s part of his new religion. As both Sikhs and Hindus have also practiced a lot of human sacrificing in their time, Frit thinks it only fair that they should have the same rights granted to them too.

Instant mash

Frit has written to Iranian goblin Madmood Madjihadimad requesting explanation as to why none of us were fried yesterday, as promised, and demanding Iran now purchase the excess stocks of dried potato and corned beef Frit panic bought and now has somehow to shift.

Putting the feet up for Allah

Of course he puts his feet on the desk. First, he’s a slob from the gutter; second, revealing the soles of the shoes to people is the Mussulmanic way of showing disrespect.

February 11

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day the asylum took over Persia and all the sane Persians sought asylum elsewhere. It is also the day upon which Madmood Madjihadimad, the blood-soaked goblin who rules that country by force and deceit, has promised to deal us a telling blow. Today, Frit is puzzled to read that we are unveiling a plan to help the same goblin who threatens us to buy some nice “medical isotopes”. Under the table in the cellar, surrounded by the fruits of panic buying, Frit is confused and is now prepared to convert to Mussulmanicism at any time anybody sees fit.

Taliban better watch out at ten o’clock on Monday

Frit reads that General McChrystal, in charge of efforts in Afghastlystan, has been dropping leaflets on the Taliban (Tiresome Allah’s Little Illiterate Addled Nitwits) warning them they will be attacked this week. The planned attack has been reported extensively on the news all over the world for days. This is such a smart and devious strategy for winning a battle. Frit has it on good authority that Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan and the Duke of Wellington always made a point of informing the enemy exactly when and where they were about to attack, well in advance. As we all know, the biggest mistake made by the allies in the Second World War was to keep all the preparations for the D-Day landings a secret. So many allied lives would have been saved had they notified the enemy in good time!

Message to the soldiers of the NATO forces: get your guns and force McChrystal to walk ahead of you.

White House turned into shrine

Frit, posing as a lowly voluntary slave hard at work cultivating fried chicken, collard greens and cotton in the White House vegetable garden with nothing to look forward to in life except for being buried in an Obama T-shirt one day, secretly snuck indoors to find the entire building hung from top to bottom with images of the current occupants. He also took this photograph of the Worst Lady working out nearby. Notice the hula hoop she uses is shaped like an “O”. These people are self obsessed.

Smelly human badger in trouble

The UN’s chief warmer, a vegetarian who probably makes more money from warming than even Great Gore, and who wears the suits to prove it, is now under pressure to cease holding that office. People in India, his home country, are very disappointed in him. Not because his aim has always been to decrease methane output from farm animals by increasing methane output from human beings through forcing us all to eat nothing but horrible greens, but because he has been caught falsifying climate change claims in the most childish manner. He should straight away be invited to leave the UN building for ever and to suffer the embarrassment of standing behind himself in the lift as he does so.