ETA

Each day, Frit tries really hard to like his fellow man. This can be difficult. Today’s obstacle is the people who have detonated two bombs in Spain during the past few days. Most in Basque land are not interested in independence. But so what, ETA knows better. ETA stands for Egoisticas Terroristicas Arçeōles.

Serious derangement

Is it true that Madmood Madjihadimad really believes the Mahdi has been hiding at the bottom of a well somewhere down south since the 10th century, waiting to jump out at an apocalyptic moment that will mark the end of time? And is it true that he sees his primary duty here on earth as that of preparing for this event and hastening the apocalyptic moment along? Seriously creepy. We know this and we still stick to the diplomatic approach? Are we as mad as he?

Beer and smart-arsed condescension

If reports are to be believed, Sergeant James Crowly is actually intending to attend that disgraceful kiss and make up ceremony to be held at the White House Thursday evening, very much against the advice of Frit. But not so. Frit and Sergeant Crowly have actually secretly arranged between them that Sergeant Crowly will stay home and conceal himself under the bed whilst Frit, impersonating him, will be the one to attend, armed with an array of recording devices supplied by disgruntled elements of the CIA and by Frit’s own anti global warming group WOW (War On Warmers).
The plan is to turn all recording devices well away from Henry Gates at all times so as not to corrode their inner workings, and to simply record the moment when, pretending to drink beer by way of masking his true identity, the Multimillionaire White Mohammedan King tips the contents of his glass into the end of a tube concealed in his collar and connected direct to the mighty magic Egg of Power, a carving made by African artisans from the wood of the Monkey Pod tree, with which he so recently replaced that bust of Winston Churchill. Once inside the magic egg, the beer apparently reacts with the monkey pod wood to be pumped back up into the glass in the form of a beverage known as Raw Cane Ramadan Ramazzotti. This is consumed in quantity at every local mosque. It is alcohol-free but brimming with chemicals that make you want to cut off the head of the nearest infidel using a knife you last sharpened twenty years back. Who needs a crummy birth certificate, school records etc. once we have this deception in the can?

No offence gnome

Heard about German Health Minister Ulla Schmidt? This selfless socialist-environmentalist ex-teacher flew to Spain on vacation and then, having a couple of official engagements there, had her chauffer drive her official S-Class Mercedes the 2,387 kilometres from Berlin to ferry her to them! Then somebody stole it, so everybody found out!

Also, Hitler salutes and Nazi symbols have been illegal in Germany since the end of World War II, but prosecutors looking into the case of a Hitler saluting garden gnome exhibited by an “artist” in Nuremberg have decided not to prosecute because, they tell us, Hitler salutes are allowed if they are clearly used to counter national socialist ideology rather than used in support of it! As far as Frit can work out, this probably means that other things that are against the law in that country, such as murder, must also be deemed allowed now and again as long as the act is committed to counter somebody’s unkosher ideology and not to support it. Unkosher ideology such as Frit’s ideology, for example . . .

Angel of Reconciliation

As regards the Multimillionaire White Mohammedan King inviting his rich communist blatherer “friend” Henry Gates to the White House to drink beer along with the policeman who arrested him, two problems come to mind:

a) Drinking beer is against the Multimillionaire White Mohammedan King’s religion, so it will have to be camel’s milk.
b) Inviting two equally culpable parties to kiss and make up is one thing, inviting a victim to kiss and make up with a perpetrator is simply a way of deceitfully attempting to give equal status to both, i.e. bring the victim down to the level of the perpetrator.

Frit would advise the policeman concerned to stay well clear of any such trap and would request his superiors to explain exactly why Gates was set free and is not being prosecuted, as Frit would have been had he spoken about the investigating officer’s mother in that way. And, if it is true that a black officer was also on the scene at the time, then Frit also requests the American authorities to prosecute both Gates and the Multimillionaire White Mohammedan King for incitement of racial hatred under race relations law and send them both off to pick cotton for the rest of their lives for no pay.

Confusing messages

Aging hectomillionairess Hillary Rod’em Clinton has been talking tough to the enemies of the free world on the subject of nuclear weapons. On the other hand, in his own never ending quest to get his hands ever deeper into the pockets and the pants of the gullible and the young, unelected British Prime Minister Boredom Brown is now telling the enemies of the free world that there is no need for them to try to obtain nuclear weapons because the free world intends kindly giving up its own!

In response, representatives of nuclear North Korea appear to have called Hectomillionairess Hillary Rod’em Clinton an “old biddy” in public. They stopped mercifully short of the full monty, i.e. “megalomaniacal man-hating sour faced power-crazed envy-ridden uppity old biddy bitch cow tart slut hag”.

Racist arrested, second racist comes to his aid

The Multimillionaire White Mohammedan King who currently rules the roost in the United States has shamefully waded in to condemn the police for arresting a “friend”, Henry Louis Gates, an “American literary critic, educator, scholar, writer, editor, and public intellectual”. Gates “currently serves as the Alphonse Fletcher University Professor at Harvard University, where he is Director of the W. E. B. Du Bois Institute for African and African American Research”. Gates claims the police arrested him simply because he is black, and not because he’s a belligerent racist with a chip on his shoulder just looking for some publicity. However, Frit is informed by insiders that the real reason they arrested him is for spending his entire life as an education system parasite, writing reams of pure incomprehensible meaningless bilge, like:

“Every black American text must confess to a complex ancestry, one high and low (that is, literary and vernacular) but also one white and black...there can be no doubt that white texts inform and influence black texts (and vice versa), so that a thoroughly integrated canon of American literature is not only politically sound, it is intellectually sound as well."

Off-colour Cherry

Doctors in Britain doubt that ailing Cherry Blair, wife of smooth spin wizard and ex Prime Minister Tony Blair, has actually contracted “swine flu”. They think it far more likely to be an entirely new strain of flu called “remember you’re just somebody’s wife flu”.

Porcini

Some are born to be leaders of men. Some are born to make important scientific discoveries, to amass large fortunes, to make history. Frit, on the other hand, appears to have been born to schlep about in the woods looking for some decent edible fungi which Mrs Frit normally finds first in any case.

Jewish Palestinians

Now that we have genetic evidence to prove that a great many Palestinians are the descendants of Jews once forced at rusty knifepoint to change their religion, why are we all still reading things like “The Jewish invaders should have more respect for the indigenous people of Palestine”?

Transplants

As regards the current debate concerning the shortage of organ donors, Frit can only say that the thought of some sons of bitches walking around using some of Frit’s organs is almost as revolting as the thought of Frit walking around using some of theirs.

Sexist bigot uses women as “window dressing”

As we all know, nothing is more dear to the heart of the British Labour Party than the rights of the three W’s, i.e. Women, Warmers and Woofters. So great is that party’s dedication to these groups that its ultimate ambition is to turn every single one of us into all three. How strange then, that Labour Party wenches are apparently upset that unelected Prime Minister of the UK (United Kaliphate) Boredom Brown has created a government that is "really rather laddish in its culture". It seems that women are finding themselves in a minority in a politically incorrect chauvinist cabinet and are thus afforded fewer expense account fiddling opportunities than men. Shame on you Brown!

Divorce

The following e-mail is being circulated with a request to the likeminded to post it on their blogs, which Frit is only too happy to do.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’ Donnell (you are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens.

We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute Imagine, I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We’ll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. WallLaw Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

Milking history

The multimillionaire White Mohammedan King has been making an “emotional” visit to the continent of his birth, along with his simpleminded wife. They visited an old fortress in Ghana where the slave trade was conducted in the past and where photo-ops abound. They stayed well clear of the Sudan and other areas where the slave trade is still very much an issue of the present and where life is a bit too complicated to boil down into the straightforward vote catching emotive.

The two large upward pointing cannons seen on the shoreline were once intended for lobbing Africans over to Mississippi but the slave trade ended before they came on stream.

Urbi et Orbi

Pope Benedict XVI, the tiniest Pope ever to wave a red rag at a papal bull, has criticized the international economic system and called for a new global structure based on social responsibility, concern for the dignity of the worker and a respect for ethics. How about an international economic system based on selling indulgencies? In other words preserving the dignity of “the worker” by charging him money for forgiving his past and future sins or even the past sins of any dead people he might know? Worked well for the economy of the Catholic Church in the past.

The gratuitous ‘B’ word rides again

The BBC tells Frit that “Silvio Berlusconi, Italy's billionaire prime minister, is throwing a party this week for leaders of the world's other seven most powerful industrial nations”.
Frit reads that King Fahd Bin Abdul Aziz Alsaud of Saudi Arabia, recent recipient of that hideous curtsey, is top on the Forbes magazine list of billionaire “Kings, Queens and Despots”. Is it true that Fidel Castro is apparently worth $900 million and ranked seventh on that list? Is it true that Yasser Arafat was on that list too? Must be a lie, otherwise searching the BBC website for “Castro” and “billionaire” and “Arafat” and “billionaire” would come up with more than one hit each, unlike the three pages of hits you get if you enter “Berlusconi” and “billionaire”.

“The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other, milk.”

David Flunkit, onetime British Education Secretary, Home Secretary as well as Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, has had the misfortune to be attacked by an irate cow whilst out walking. Flunkit, who was twice forced to resign office, once for inappropriate fiddling and once for inappropriate diddling, claims to have fewer eyes than even his fellow labour party buddy Boredom Brown. However, there are those who dispute his total blindness and suspect he makes the claim merely to pocket the associated state benefits. If he is truly sightless, they say, how come he so successfully manages to accurately pinpoint the whereabouts of so much buckshee cash and cunt. Flunkit suffered a broken rib in the attack. It is widely believed that Flunkit, removed from the realities of nature like so many of his particular political persuasion, is too stupid to know that wise people should never go near cows and their young calves accompanied by their dog, even if it happens to be a guide dog. Cattle can be pretty politically incorrect on that score.

But there is also a different version of this story. Frit is told by reliable sources that the cow merely mistook Flunkit for a wittering old woman it wanted to jump over, as the photograph of the event appears to confirm.

Most stylish man

Unelected British Prime Minister Boredom Brown has no problem about attending this year’s G-8 summit to be held in the part of central Italy so recently devastated by an earthquake as he is quite used to standing on shaky ground. Likewise, the Multimillionaire White Mohammedan King is delighted to attend as it gives him opportunity to ask the earthquake for forgiveness. Also, a poll of 3,000 men has named him the “most stylish man”. Good thing really, he must try to keep up with his stylish wife.

What century did we say we are in right now?

“The Pope has placed Cardinal John Henry Newman on the path to possible sainthood by approving a miracle attributed to his intercession. Newman, an influential 19th-century Anglican convert, can now be beatified. A second miracle is necessary for him to be declared a saint – making him the first English-born saint since the Reformation. The miracle approved yesterday by Pope Benedict XVI concerns the medically inexplicable cure of an American, John Sullivan, who suffered from debilitating back pain for years, but was cured after praying to Cardinal Newman.”

Meanwhile, the team of doctors who recently restored a man’s sight by inserting a lens into one of his front teeth, growing the tooth on for a while in one of his cheeks and then transplanting it into his eyeball are not being considered for sainthood. This is because they achieved it all by resorting to verifiable and reproducible scientific method instead of “medically inexplicable” method.

Profit Mohammed

Yesterday, Frit learned from reliable sources of the huge sums of money stashed away in the private European bank accounts of the bearded holy men who run Iran, from the Supreme Leader down, even including the account numbers. Huge as these sums are, they are said to be paltry in comparison to the vast amounts each beard has tucked away in banks in other, non-Christian countries. If true, this makes a mockery of the entire pious Islamic Republic concept, so where is this staggering revelation reported or even investigated in the western media today?