Thursday 30 April 2009

Gross contradiction

Yesterday, when sentencing two thick jihadis for attending Taleban terrorist training camps, British judge Mr Justice Gross said they had betrayed the country that had given them a home. He said the sentence had to deter other Britons from attending such camps. He said that if it is not already clear it must be made clear that such conduct is unacceptable. Most importantly, he said that unless and until they both saw the world in very different terms there is “a very real likelihood of them reoffending in the future”.

He then sentenced the two to seven years’ jail with them likely to be freed to reoffend in a year and four months, having already been in jail for two years.

In Frit’s opinion, Mr Justice Gross should be put on trial for committing gross contradictionism at taxpayer expense.

Wednesday 29 April 2009

The fear of fat


The fear of death from fat amongst those who rule us is truly widespread and has now led to a situation where emaciation has become the true badge of belonging. Something akin to the secret sign of the freemasons, emaciation is the way in which our rulers identify one another across the street. TV journalists, in particular, appear to be wasting away before our very eyes, and, as for the Multimillionaire White African King, well, what can one say? It is rumoured he spends one and a half hours in the gym each day to keep himself looking so wan and wasted. Can it be that his security people insist he be less than the thickness of a bullet? Can it be that he has an eating disorder as a direct result of fearing that another ounce might undo him when walking on water? Can it be that his wife just won’t cook him any damned thing?

Frit is concerned for his welfare and recommends lardo served with garlic, cream, and some nice red wine. Or perhaps white wine, to go with his colour. He can certainly afford a good bottle. Championing the poor and disadvantaged has already filled his coffers so well.

The pictures show him as a boy and as he is now, a mere shadow of himself.

Tuesday 28 April 2009

The banning of the words

Frit notes that the CAIR organisation (Council on American-Islamic Relations, or Cuddly Allah’s Islamic Racists, some say), has issued the American government with a list of 10 words/concepts that it recomends are not used in connection with its religion, as using them might cause us all to be butchered. These words are:

The Clash of Civilizations
Secular
Assimilation
Reformation
Jihadi
Moderate
Interfaith
Freedom
Religious Freedom
Tolerance

In Frit’s view, we can only avoid The Clash of Civilizations if every jihadi loonatic soon learns to respect tolerance, freedom and religious freedom in secular, interfaith societies by becoming more moderate and by accepting assimilation through a process of reformation.

Monday 27 April 2009

Piggy flu

Multimillionaire White African King Obama’s strategy for defending the American people from the new strain of swine flu virus is to apologise to it and offer it respect. And, as human cases normally only occur in those who have close contact with pigs, most of the British cabinet is refusing to sit round the table with Home Secretary Jacqui Smith this week.

Friday 24 April 2009

UN bounders smell cash in seeking to “investigate Bush officials” over treatment of terrorists


Frit accuses two “senior UN officials”, Manfred Novak and Martin Scheinin, of torture, by making it impossible for people to tell them apart. Which has the prettiest big hairdo? Which wears his specs at the jauntiest angle? Which looks better against a pale blue background? Which has the eyes that can get him into the pockets and the pants of the gullible and the young the fastest? Impossible to tell. Most of those tortured by these questions eventually go mad and end up waterboarding themselves before jumping off the top of the UN building. Both men should be investigated and exposed. Their bank statements should be made public; their real ages should be published to see if they tally with such surprising lack of hair loss.

Thursday 23 April 2009

The age of piracy

Instead of being forced to walk the plank, a Somali pirate has been taken all the way to the USA, at taxpayer expense, to be fed and watered and put on trial at taxpayer expense and defended at taxpayer expense, despite the fact that the entire world already knows he is guilty. The first issue the American legal system will be feeding from for a very long time is the disputed age of the pirate concerned. Be he adult he can be treated as a pirate in need of his just deserts, i.e. a jolly good telling off, probably, and a reminder that pirates appear only in stories. Be he teenaged he must be treated as a wholesome good person whose education has been insufficient and whom copious input of further taxpayer money is sure to redeem.

Sadly, in the real world, teenaged male thugs with weapons are, and have always been, the greatest menace civilisation can possibly ever face. Old enough to kill people and wreck civilisation means old enough to die.

Tuesday 21 April 2009

Racist given big platform

Frit notes that Bonky Loon, biggest cheese at the United Nations, having organised an anti racism conference and having invited the biggest racist in the world, i.e. Methodist supremacist madman mad Madmood Madjihadymad, to speak at it, is now whining because a lot of racist hate speech was forthcoming. Fit notes that Bonky Loon has not resigned his office, neither has he called an immediate end to this entire expensive liberal bonding session. Frit also notes that no self-important moral liberal legal institution has issued an international warrant for the arrest of mad Madmood Madjihadymad for spouting hate on every television set in the world, or for any other of his conscientious contributions to bringing about the third world war.

Friday 17 April 2009

Interrogators graciously let ‘off the hook’

Dick Cheney tells the terrorists that protecting the country’s security is “a tough, mean, dirty, nasty business.”

The present incumbent of the White House tells the terrorists that interrogation tactics adopted by the former administration “undermine our moral authority and do not make us safer”.

Questions:

Which statement do the college professors get most encouragement from?

Which statement do the terrorists get most encouragement from?

Thursday 16 April 2009

International pirate milking scam

The legal profession is at last setting up an International Pirate Milking Court. The initiative is being headed by the Multimillionaire White African President himself (who took 2.8 million dollars off the poor and stupid on book sales alone, last year). The opportunity to earn big money from drawn out proceedings against teenage lowlife delinquents who everybody in the world knows are guilty (because they are caught in the act in canoes with machineguns 500 miles offshore) was just too promising to miss. One bullet per unpleasant thug might be the preferred option of the taxpayer, but who would that keep in clover for goodness’ sake?

Tuesday 14 April 2009

How much was that doggy in the window in any case?

It seems the origins of ‘Bo’ the water dog puppy are shrouded in mystery. During the election campaign the world was told that, when Barry became President Barry, the family would adopt a poor, sad, downtrodden abandoned mutt from a dog’s home rather than go out and buy one for money from a super pedigree pooch breeder like trashy rich conservatives would. But was this election promise broken?

Nobody seems to know. The dog’s birth certificate seems to have disappeared, just like Barry’s. Some say the dog was born in Kenya and not in Hawaii, as claimed, and is therefore not a true American dog and has no place gnawing bones in the White House. Some say the dog’s real father is Ted Kennedy. Others say the real father is a Kenyan animal extensively used for breeding purposes in Kenya until run over by a car in 1982. Samson, one of this dog’s many male offspring, and Bo’s brother, is a well-known sexual pervert. Recently, on his way to America to enjoy the big ceremony that was held to mark Bo’s entry into the White House, during which Bo yapped a false note and was made to yap it again in private the next day, Samson was refused entry to Britain for previously having attempted to roger a passing underage water dog puppy girl on an earlier visit to that country.

This fact was considered unfit for public consumption at the time and has only now been revealed, though with much less enthusiasm and accompanying comment than would have been the case were Bo a vicious conservative mutt instead of a friendly, cute, cuddly liberal mutt. The Bo in the picture is quite another Bo, but one that appears equally fond of being wet.

Monday 13 April 2009

Navy scuppers pirates, White House tries to walk off with the swag

The absurd plan to rescue Capt. Richard Phillips revealed exclusively by Frit on this site yesterday (i.e. having a pet water dog puppy swim over to lick the chops of the pirates until they all say “Ahhhh he’s so cute” and surrender) went badly awry later in the day when the on-scene commander took advantage of a loophole in his orders to fire off a full broadside, sending every one of those murderous cutthroats to a well deserved watery grave.

We shall all expect the White House to be claiming the credit for this successful action, but we know better. The orders from the top were rubbish orders, “only if” orders. The on-scene commander is the hero for interpreting the orders with flexibility. He let us down only in having not forced the one captured pirate to walk the plank at once, before the legal profession has opportunity to start eating big dinners from him.

Sunday 12 April 2009

Their “first puppy”

The familly that now infests the White House, the children of which are never used for publicity purposes, has now at last chosen which particular breed of dog is to soil the lawns on its behalf (but not the lawn they dug up for Michelle to have slaves grow vegetables in). A Portuguese water dog, no less, formerly used to herd fish into nets around the coasts of Portugal. The official version is that the children never used for publicity purposes fell for this dog, but Frit and others suspect it was chosen for its swimming prowess in the hope that it might rescue the captured American captain from the clutches of the Somali pirates, though without biting any.

Ted Kennedy apparently already has three of these dogs. He acquired them in the hope that they might pull him out of any more ponds he happens to drive into whilst drunk, leaving any female passengers to fend for themselves.

Thursday 9 April 2009

The origin of the waxing and the waning of the moon

When God created the sun he shaped it in the form of an ‘O’ by way of foretelling the coming of Obama. But when he created the moon, intended to foretell the coming of Michelle, he had trouble deciding whether it should be in the form of another ‘O’ for Obama’s wife or in the form of a ‘C’ for cow, and he left the project incomplete. Later on, the adherents of a certain religion adopted the crescent shape as their symbol as it looked like something you could very well use to cut off a person’s head with.

Happy Easter to all Frit readers. I hope both of you have a nice time.

Wednesday 8 April 2009

Italians found worshipping false gods

The Multimillionaire President of the United States, who recently gave 900 million dollars to Gaza, is giving 50,000 dollars to Italian Earthquake victims. Italians are obviously of the wrong religion, unlike Americans, as, according to the President, America is not a Christian country. The President has also told the Turkish parliament, and thus the wider Methodist world, that “We will bridge misunderstanding, and we will seek common ground. We will be respectful even when we do not agree.” For instance, we do not agree with wanting to take over the world and kill all us infidels, but we respect it.

Tuesday 7 April 2009

Social integration

In an earlier post, Frit registered his dislike of vegetarians. They are petty tyrants who expect you to cook without meat when they visit you but expect not to cook with meat when you visit them. This makes them pretty much like Methodists. Methodists expect you to wear a headscarf, eat asphyxiated sheep, drink no beer, blame the Jew for everything and treat your women like dogs etc. when you visit their country but expect not to do the opposite when they visit yours.

Frit, for instance, lived in Gaza for a time. By way of integration, he went about in a burka with a machinegun and some bullets superglued to his chest at all times. He married a local girl, beat her black and blue, forced her to beget seventeen children (at least half of which were brought up as suicide bombers), fired a rocket at an Israeli every morning and pigged out on United Nations halal food aid every night. This was true integration. Exclusively wearing Frit garb, exclusively associating with and exclusively breeding with other Frits, building his own Frit churches, eating his own Frit food would all have been inappropriate and the opposite of what integration is about. And as for insisting that the locals should all become Frits and do the same . . .

Methodists who can’t adapt to life in other people’s countries should go and enjoy life somewhere else. And take the vegetarians with them.

Monday 6 April 2009

G20 opts for global communism

As we all suspected, the G20 bright sparks opted to lead us into a brand new era of global communism. The entire world is to be run by committees stuffed with their friends. After this had all been sewn up, Frit snuck into the official knees-up by the back door, without anybody noticing. The police were busy hiding from all those “demonstrators” outside who were smashing the windows of banks with their “YES WE CAN” placards. Concealed behind Prime Minister Boredom Brown, whom he mistook for an element of the soft furnishings, Frit then secretly took this photograph of the President of the United States bowing so low to the biggest petroleum parasite of all time that it looks as if he’s attempting to lick out the oil residue gunge from between his toes. When introduced to the Queen of England, who represents America’s closest ally, a mere nod of the head sufficed.

At last we can safely say we now have conclusive photographic evidence to prove what we always suspected – he is so intent on closing Guantanamo Bay so as not to end up there himself one day soon.

Friday 3 April 2009

Josephine Baker already lived this life you know

Frit learns that top of the pop trash Madonna has “spoken out against accusations that she is using her fame to fast-track the adoption of a 4-year-old Malawian girl” but has not spoken out against accusations that she is using a 4-year-old Malawian girl to fast-track her fame.

In the picture, other children in Malawi can be seen hiding under a tree in the bush in an effort to escape the unpleasant fate of adoption by publicity seeking trollop.

Thursday 2 April 2009

“Mighty Michelle” takes London by storm

The First Lady is in London for the G20 (or the “Gee, twenty!” as she thinks) and is making a big hit with her “understated chic”! Yesterday she accompanied the wife of Boredom Brown to a cancer centre where she said to one patient “Congratulations on being done!” The patient thanked her then went away to try to understand.

Later, a true showbiz dinner was enjoyed, cooked by television chef Jamie Oliver. The main course was “a shoulder of lamb from the Elwy Valley”. Nobody is saying if the sheep in question was halal (Hygienically Asphyxiated Lean Allah Lamb). Mighty Michelle sat next to Harry Potter scribbler J.K. Rowling, a woman whose incredible wealth will never make either attractive or happy. Mighty Michelle told Rowling that if Harry Potter’s first name began with a “B” instead of an “H” he would have more in common with her husband than just some slick tricks. She also said she had read Harry Potter to her daughter. “Congratulations on being done!” Rowling replied.

Wednesday 1 April 2009

Openness at last

Forget all those doubts about the openness promised by the Multimillionaire White African President not actually being forthcoming. For now we understand – all that much vaunted openness was not meant for the American people, nor for the rest of the wider civilised world, it was meant instead for our enemies. Yes, those who want to kill us all have been openly and officially informed that US forces will not pursue them into Pakistan from Afghastlystan! They are very grateful and are now moving there in large numbers. Ever on the lookout for a business opportunity and suspecting that accommodation will be in short supply, Frit is now considering opening a hotel down there, the South Waziristan Albergo Talibano.

Picture shows the queue at the border just after the announcement was made.